I’ve asked God for answers of where He wants me to be since 2010, and I honestly feel Him saying “Be still and know that I am God.” I can’t even explain to you how difficult that is for me. I am always striving to do more, to become something, or someone better. I’m an achievement junkie, always setting up goals and knocking them down. It’s what I do. I need to be busy working on my next thing. I want God to tell me to move here or do this….not be still. I think God has me exactly where He wants me and He’s just trying to get me to master the art of contentment. Oh boy…this is going to be interesting.
To keep myself from going crazy in this journey, I am coming back to my love of writing. For the record, I didn’t say that I was good at writing, I just really enjoy it. I actually have felt God kind of pulling me back into writing since the beginning of the year. The last 3 weeks I’ve had more downtime than usual and have felt God tugging at my heart to get my journal out and begin writing. I’ve been ignoring those God calls almost to the point of avoiding God altogether. I’m still reading my devotion and Bible, but with little thought. I’m still praying, but without engaging my heart. I’m afraid. Does God want me to write for an audience? If so, who? What do I write about? Forget the fact, that I already have my mind made up that I’m not good enough. Hmmmm…so why am I writing now? BECAUSE I CAN’T SLEEP!
God knows if He really wants my attention He can just mess with my sleep. I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. (It’s 6 o’clock now, and my alarm to go teach 21 4th grade students will go off in 15 minutes to start my day. Ugghhhh!) I tried everything to go back to sleep for well over an hour and couldn’t. I really felt God pulling me out of my sleep to go write. I wrestled with Him.
ME: “God, Im tired!”
GOD: “I will give you rest.”
ME: “Seriously, God, it’s still dark outside!”
He kept nudging and I kept ignoring. I tried to go back to sleep again and again, but couldn’t. I thought maybe reading and catching up on emails would help to make me sleepy again, but then I read a devotion titled, “Leaving the Land of Disappointment,” by Sharon Jaynes. This is a small part of what I read, “The women didn’t have all the details worked out in their heads, but they were not going to sit home in their discouragement- paralyzed into inactivity. They were going to move forward…while it was still dark.” (Okay, this got my attention, but let’s face it…I’m no Mary Magdalene and I’m not needed today to find Jesus’ body.)
“Mary Magdalene got up, and she kept going…while it was still dark. In the end, she was not disappointed that she took this step of faith and you won’t be either. Just as assuredly as Jesus met her at her greatest point of need, He will meet you at yours. Don’t allow the weight of discouragement hold you down or lower your expectations of the life in Christ. Get up. Get moving. Open your eyes. Open your heart. There’s more to experience just around the bend.”
I’d love to tell you that after reading those words I jumped up and immediatly was obedient to the calling of God to get up and write…but No. I honestly believe the God of this universe woke me up and tried to get my butt out of bed to spend time in His word and write something in my journal…and I refused. (I’m not a morning person. Get off my case.) I know the significance of God calling me to do something. I know what He was asking of me. I read the words of an email devotion I rarely ever find the time to read, and I read it at This. Precise. Moment. And then tried to go back to sleep. That was my response to God…again. I still did not want to get up and write. I was afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of sounding foolish. Afraid of judgement. Afraid of letting this go and it being out of my contol. Afraid of the unknown.
I was STILL unable to go back to sleep. After at least 3 full weeks of avoidance and blatant disobedience to His calling to write, I’m out of bed and I’m writing. Why? I don’t know? To whom? Not a clue. I guess, like Mary, my job is not to have all of this figured out, it’s to be obedient. I know God has a purpose for this.
If you feel God tugging on your heart and calling you to action, no matter how big or small,just do it. Our God is incredibly persistant and He wants to use you for for His purpose. He has more than a billion people on this earth to answer this call, but he’s chosen you.
Why am I still writing??? To urge you to follow God. Reach out to that certain person he has put on your heart. Give some much needed encouraging words or a helping hand. Pursue the passion of a job change or volunteering that He’s called you into. Use your God-given talents He’s provided, without fear of rejection or failure. You’re right. You’re not good enough. (I’m not good enough.) BUT He is more than enough with you and with me. He is right here with you urging you to start now, because with Him, you are more than qualified. Stop what you are making yourself busy with right now. Get off of your social media. Turn off your television. Drop the excuses. Do God’s will. That’s the thought that popped into your mind you tried to instantly squash, because Satan wants you to believe it doesn’t matter…It matters to God.
“My eyes are ever on the Lord , for only he will release my feet from the snare.”
Psalm 25:15 NIV
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
I leave you with one last quote from Mother Teresa, “God has not called me to be successful. He called me to be faithful.”
Here is the link to the full article, “Leaving the Land of Disappointment.”